One of the highlights of my year so far was the event I attended at my old college in Oxford a couple of weeks ago. It was an event that brought together old members and current students (mostly women) to celebrate 45 years of co-education at the college. I was the keynote speaker. Not only was the event wonderful, it also made me reflect a lot on the question of new beginnings, how we make decisions in life and how self-doubt can derail us completely.
The Power of Belonging
I don’t get to go back to Queen’s very often but every time I do, I am reminded of what a special place it is to me. It’s not that I loved every moment of being there. I did not. I was a neurotic, troubled student (as so many are) and certainly pretty unhappy in my Final Year. But it was a place where I really felt I belonged. Belonging is such a powerful thing – whether you feel you have it, or you feel you don’t have it. And I definitely did not have it at school. For two whole years I was systematically excluded by the girls in my class from the ages of 14-16. The experience left me extremely isolated, very studious (that paid off, I guess!) and very scarred. It’s an experience that has always stayed with me.
But I always did feel like I belonged at my college. And I still do. I feel it in the familiar sound of my footsteps on the worn paving stones of front quad. I hear it in the wheeze of the staircase doors as they swing shut, and I smell it in the engrained smell of ancient book covers and focussed minds in the upper library.
All of these places are lit up with little fragments of memories; images of moments, experiences and people that all form part of my time there. That goes for other parts of the town too; the peace of Queen’s Lane, the terror of Exam Schools, the particular charm of each of the colleges. Each step I take in that city is its own Proustian biscuit, that takes me back and fills me with a bittersweet sense of belonging, pride and nostalgia for time past.
Self-Doubt and the Insecure Over-Achiever
One of the themes in my speech was about anxiety and self-doubt. I shared that I had never stepped foot inside the famous Bodleian library (see photo below) because I had always been too intimidated by the grandeur of the place to do so. In the moment that I said it, I realised that I was not alone. To my amazement my confession was met with nodding heads around the room. I found it incredibly poignant that in a room of such talented women of different ages, so many shared that they had also experienced the same fear of using that library!
Self-doubt is so destructive. It erodes our wellbeing and derails our ability to forge the path we wish to take. We tell ourselves that we can’t, that we will mess it up, that we don’t deserve it. In so doing, we convince ourselves that the status quo or the ‘lesser’ option is the right one or the only one for us. And for the ‘insecure overachiever’ (see Laura Empson’s book), this can lead to a whole pathway through life chasing an ephemeral sense of achievement that we hope will finally prove our worth. Often it never comes.
It certainly took a long time for me to shake off the shackles of professional self-doubt. I didn’t even consider Law School as an option because I didn’t think I would pass the exams (fact!). I spent the first six years of my time at PA Consulting Group believing I would be fired at any moment. It took a long time for the shackles to come off. There was definitely a point in my consulting career when I began to see my own value differently, to value it more highly. And then I resigned and set out on my own – something which could not have happened without a degree of self-belief, but something which has provided the greatest possible boost to my self-belief.
Throw Away The Plan!
The second theme of my speech was about not knowing what path to take. I talked about how ‘clueless’ I was when I graduated. I had absolutely no idea about what I wanted to do. Everyone else was running off with a clear plan while I headed home to my Mum and nearly drove us both mad. Eventually I returned to Oxford and started volunteering in a probation-run centre for the homeless (the building with the red door in the photo). I absolutely loved it. Volunteering turned to full-time work, which led to a decision to train in social work and probation at the London School of Economics and before I knew it, I was embarking on the first chapter of my career.
It’s true that I had a massive chip on my shoulder about being an Oxford graduate in a social work job. It’s also true that I did not belong in that profession. I never felt ‘at home’ there. But I know now (more than I did then) that my interest in the work itself was very real. It was ‘deeply human’, deeply relational. I was fascinated by how to enable people to change and I was driven by a deep sense of social justice. I learned so much about how to develop relationships that are a catalyst for change.
I never had a plan. I simply followed the breadcrumbs of interest that I had. And I continued to do that over time. The breadcrumbs led me into management consultancy and then into coaching and running my own business. They have led me all round the world, working with all kinds of people, in all kinds of organisations in different sectors and industries. And never a plan in sight.
The Call to Adventure
So why do I mention all of this?
I think most of us spend the first part of our career doing a job that we fell into, or that we thought was the ‘right’ kind of job, or the expected type of job. Maybe we loved it to begin with. Maybe we didn’t know what else to do.
But at a certain point, usually from mid-30s onwards, we begin to hear a whisper in our ear that tells us that this is no longer ‘it’. The whisper becomes a nagging voice. The nagging voice becomes a shout. Joseph Campbell called this ‘the call to adventure’. Often we ignore it because it’s unsettling and threatens the status quo. And even when we start to listen to it, our inner critic tells us that change is a bad idea and it’s more sensible to stay put.
My view is this: when that voice starts to whisper, we should listen to what it has to say. When it starts to nag, we really need to pay attention. And if it gets to the point of shouting, we just need to take action. If not, we run the risk of reaching a point of profound regret due to missed opportunity. I would not want that for anyone.
You don’t need to know what the ‘answer’ is.
You don’t need to ‘settle’ for what is, just because.
It is never too late.
You can do it.
You just have to take the first step.
Readiness for Change
One of my passions is to support people who are dreaming of, longing for and embarking on a new beginning. It is one of the most rewarding things imaginable when you stand alongside your client who has got the new job, changed direction, achieved her dream.
If you think you can hear the call to adventure and have a new beginning brewing inside you, take my short quiz here. It will get you thinking and will assess how ready you are to make it a reality. You can access it via the link below. It’s totally free and you will get a personalised report that will suggest areas you might focus on to move you forward.