One of the most common fears people have when embarking on a new beginning is that they will fail. But what does that really mean? Can you ever really fail at a new beginning ? Or is ‘failure’ just something our minds invent to hold us back from stepping outside our comfort zone?
Eight years ago in November 2016, I held a leaving party in a bar to wave goodbye to my friends in London as I headed off for my very own new beginning in Scotland. Four years later, I moved back. Does that mean it was a failure?
The Dream of a New Beginning
I know all about dreams and adventures, especially of the romantic kind! I have done the craziest things for love, let me tell you. Relative to some of those things, a move to Edinburgh was not that crazy, if a little hasty in its execution. I had passed through that stage of the Wheel of New Horizons and was crystal clear about my dream.
The original and somewhat fleeting plan had been to head to Bali and embark on a nomadic existence for a while. But then I met a man, started a new relationship and the compass point changed from Bali to Edinburgh.
So I packed up my belongings, rented out my flat and bought a one-way train ticket north of the border. The send-off was wonderful, the journey north full of anticipation and despite the shocking weather on arrival, I was all set on my new beginning.
So what happened, I hear you ask?
The Reality
Well, the first thing that happened was that the relationship was a disaster. This part of the story I will confess to being a mistake on my part, and a costly one. It was not the ‘happy ever after’ dream I’d imagined. In fact it could hardly have been further from the truth. But in many ways I finally learned an essential lesson about patterns of mine and certain types of choices that I had a tendency to make. I am pretty certain I will never do that again. And I must say that while not the kind of chapter I was intending to write of my book of life, I am bloody glad to have written it.
Phew.
But does that mean the whole thing was an abject failure?
The Adventure of New Beginnings
One of the things most dear to me in life is adventure. My spirit needs it. I can’t sit and exist in the usual and the day to day for too long, before I start to get bored and in need of a change. It doesn’t have to be a huge thing. But it does have to be something. A change of scene and discovery of a new place is often the answer.
I got this in abundance in Edinburgh. For a start I was in Scotland and in a minority of sorts. People spoke differently. There was a different cultural identity and history. There were bagpipes, there was single malt, a lot of venison and black pudding, and the odd deep fried mars bar (not that I ever actually tried that). Edinburgh itself is of course beautiful, especially The Meadows and Bruntsfield where I ended up living – and getting locked down. The wilds of Scotland were incredible. I explored the Inner Hebrides where I tasted Bruichladdich whiskey at the distillery on Islay and fell in love forever with the stunning beauty of the Isle of Harris in the outer Hebrides. For someone that loves wild places, romance and adventure, Scotland will always have a special place in my heart.
Then of course there were people. Some were old friends who I got to spend proper time with. Some were new friends I made there and who I still miss. Some were new clients that I forged new relationships with over the four years and to whom I remain very grateful for their inspiration and trust.
The Realisation
The reality was, however, that I never really felt at home in Edinburgh. I never really felt like I fitted in there. I didn’t see many people like me around me. In my eyes, the city lacked some of the things I treasure most – diversity, energy, arts and culture, cosmopolitanism. I began to feel the call of London again. And then Covid came.
It was Covid that did it really. I realised how lonely I was up there. And that pause of the pandemic made me see that Scotland was just not ‘my place’. In December 2020 I moved back south, going against the traffic of people who were pouring out of the city and running for the hills.
I moved back to a different part of London where I had lived many years previously when I first came to London, and have never looked back. I have a deep sense of home that I had never experienced before. I know where I belong now and life and work have taken off.
New Beginnings: Can You Ever Fail?
In the anxiety that the uncertainty of new beginnings brings, it’s easy to try to predict what will happen and hang onto the version of the story that we want to unfold. This strategy brings with it big risk because we don’t get to control anything in this life. We can only set a direction of travel, if we’re lucky, and then we have to let go of what might happen.
When I look back now, I realise that I got what I wanted in the end. I got adventure, wild places and romance. And while the risks to my romantic heart were pretty high, the risks to the rest of my life were not. My flat was rented out. My business could travel with me. So it was a calculated risk really. Some people ask me if I regret not going to Bali. And the answer is genuinely ‘no’. I made the decision I made at that time for the reasons I made it, and it has led me to where I am now, which is very happy.
Did it turn out the way I wanted it to at the time? No.
Was it a failure? Absolutely not.
So, what about this new beginning of yours? When are you going to take the next step?
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