There are huge differences of course, in the circumstances of our respective experiences of lockdown. And those differences take many forms. One of those relates to the people with whom we are locked down. Some of us are with families, some of us with flatmates or friends, some of us with our spouses or partners, some of us on our own. But no matter what differences there may be, there is one common person with whom we are all locked down, and that is ourselves. And Lockdown is showing us all a fair amount, I suspect, about our relationship with ourselves (if we care to take a look).
I have been interested in the experience of loneliness for many years. I mean for a start, what is it exactly? I know that it is not an empirical state: that is more “aloneness”. This is a state that can be externally validated: I am alone in this room — there is no-one else present. So an empirical state we know it is not. My belief is that it is more an interpretation of a state, a story that we tell ourselves, about ourselves and one that is negative, self-punishing and depleting of our sense of wellbeing and self-worth. The resulting feeling is one of scarcity, of being without, of being unworthy in some way. There is shame attached to it, for sure. So if this is true; if loneliness is an interpretation or a story we tell ourselves, does this mean we can choose to tell ourselves a different story? As someone that has often experienced a deep sense of loneliness, I find this both a cruel and an exciting suggestion. And it reminds me of a sentence that came to me many years ago:
“Loneliness is a call for a different kind of relationship with self”. I have no idea where these words came from. They just popped into my head one day about 10 years ago, and they have stayed with me ever since. What’s more, I have come to believe them.
So what might this mean for us in these days of Lockdown and our confinement with ourselves? There are fewer escape routes now from our relationship with ourselves, with our inner and outer lives, with our contentment with who we are, our sense of comfort in our own skin. For those of us that live alone, this is particularly acute, for when activity slows down, when the company of others is not permitted, there is only our own to enjoy……or not, as the case may be.
The journey to becoming comfortable in one’s own skin is an iterative one, an intimate and at times deeply painful one. But it is surely the most rewarding one that we can take, for from that place, there are so many secure bridges to so many more fruitful relationships with other people and with life itself. That is my belief at least.
I had dreaded Lockdown. I feared the prospect of being confined on my own for weeks on end. It has been an absolute wonder and pure delight to me that I have found such contentment and resourcefulness in my own company. It feels like a miracle and a milestone of sorts in my life and I am so grateful for the opportunity to experience it. I want others to find their version of that. A lot of what drives me in my 1–1 coaching work is my desire for my clients to find a deep relationship with themselves that is nourishing, enriching and, simply speaking, enough. As Oriah Mountain Dreamer put it:
“It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments”.
So much has fallen away in recent weeks, for so many of us. I want to know who you are finding yourselves to be in the deprivation and confinement, and whether you are enjoying hanging out together. And better still, I want to know if you can find a way to deepen the relationship you have with that person and come out of this time loving them all the more.