I think I have always had a propensity for boredom. I always required constant stimulation and variety to feel alive. When it was lacking, I would ‘flop’ and descend fairly quickly into some kind of semi-state of Kateness. It was more pronounced in my younger days for sure. I thought I had grown out of it — which I saw as a good thing considering boredom was definitely a ‘bad thing’, a sign of some kind of failure either of my own or of life itself.
Anyway, that was all pre-COVID. Now, 12 plus weeks in, I can safely say with absolute confidence that I am living in a state of pronounced monotony and tedium. Believe me, I have explored the confines of my Lockdown existence to the full. I have danced, drawn, written poems and prose, exercised and cooked; I have meditated and walked and zoomed and sung and designed websites and reunited with old friends and made new ones and hung out with dogs and contemplated the meaning of life….. And now I’m done. I am turning into a sloth of immense proportions. As my workload rides the waves of the ‘Coronacoaster’, so does my motivation to get out of bed in the morning. I am even too bored to watch TV! I am not sure I even know the point of this post.
But really, there is some sort of point, I think. There is some point in just passing the days. There is some vague form of meaning that coalesces in the haze of nothingness that my days seem to consist of. I am not sure I am even able to articulate what it is but I feel I am crossing a threshold into new territory. I’m not sure what kind of territory it is. I don’t think it’s what Rumi meant when he wrote about meeting you in a field beyond right and wrong. This is more a sofa beyond Netflix and Boot Camp.
And yet, here I find myself. There are parts of myself that are rearing their heads for confrontation. There are sides of me that are falling away. And I find myself wondering if there is some kind of gift of boredom and if there is some kind of point in the pointlessness..?
I am honestly not entirely sure. I certainly hope there is. I like there to be a “point” to something. At least I thought I did. But more than anything, I wish this whole damn thing could be over and I could re-enter the world again.